Toxic

One of the basics you look out for in a friend is the ability to listen. Even if they can't give you good advice or actually care about your problems, what you want is someone to just listen and, at best, make you forget what made you have to vent the first place. 

So there's this one person who has been telling me about her issues with life and people around her. Then one day, I get quiet having my own things to mull over and she says "if you ever need to talk, I'll be here". The offer is genuine, I'm sure. 

However the day came when I wanted to talk about a certain idiot we both know, and when I told her that he'd pop up just as suddenly as he left, she just replied "I'm done with him, he played me", and that was the end of it. No room for anything that I might have had to say. 

So what if I wanted to talk about the idiot, even if you got played by him, you can't even let me say what I wanted before cutting me off? 

Well, won't be bothered with all your crap anymore really and I'm not bothered this time around when you're being played again. 

Bye Felicia!

What We've Become

"It's not simple to say

That most days I don't recognize me

That these shoes and this apron

That place and its patrons

Have taken more than I gave them

It's not easy to know

I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true

I was never attention's sweet center

I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy, but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to be mine"

One of the songs where lyrics just hit me like a freight train. Brings back memories. Good memories, bad memories. Bring up thoughts. Irritating ones that cannot get out of my mind. I just could not understand what it was about this song that just affected me the way it did until I read a comment on it and realised that it was right on the money about the past and I am not sure if I want to go back to that life again. 

For years whenever I spent my time with an apron on, it always felt as though my time was taken up fully by that place and its patrons. I loved the job. But it also sucked away a lot of life. Finally the last one sucked away a lot more and I had a lot of thinking to do, but I actually did not bother thinking much after. I think I gave up a bit. Just a little, but definitely not fully.

I do not hate my old self. I do not really miss it either.