Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom

A rather hard book to finish due to the fact that it brought on so much pondering and thought, as well as emotions.

Just cos of this book I've been wondering

1. about death.
2. about the people in my life who have passed on.
3. if my living grandfather actually desires someone to just talk and listen to.
4. about regrets.
5. about letting go.
6. about the people I have left.

Why did I think about death? The book was basically about the death of an old man and how he dealt with it. Thing is, not everyone has that opportunity to know how long more u have before u kick the bucket. Some people just go and u get the shocking news while u're going about ur daily life. But if we did have the opportunity to know when we're going to die, would we treasure it and squeeze every second of it to enjoy what and who we have or will we just whine and wish to die faster? Another thing is, if someone died, would we ever regret the things we said to them? Or would u be happy that the relationship ended on a really good note the last time u saw the person? Would you be remembered? So here's to making myself happy, keeping myself happy, and having happy goodbyes to the people I'm parting ways with, and having a good time with them before that. Might be morbid, but if I happen to die, at least I died with a happy heart. :)

Just got me remembering the ones close to me that have passed on.

• A schoolmate, my sister's classmate, Florence. Cute, adorable, chubby, cheery Florance. I make fun that my sis killed her by breaking her heart, but it still pains me no matter what to have such a young life taken away from the world who would have loved her. Maybe it was better for her, with her weak heart, to go before she had it broken. She was the first death and it shocked me. I doubt she knew it was her last day, and had my sister knew, she would have apologised for being that harsh while trying to look out for Florence's welfare.
  
• 4 years later, I learnt what horrible, blood-curdling shrieks felt and sounded like. It's not someone getting murdered infront of me but rather a rabbit I bought. We took it out to give it some grass for a minute and the next thing I know is that the rabbit is dead. Killed by my grandmother's cat, just it's natural animal instinct. The problem with the death is that the rabbit didn't die instantly and it was gasping for air. Not a very nice sight. But it was too late to save the poor thing and my grandmother managed to put it out of it's misery. I guessed I've erased that bit from my memory as I can't remember if she suffocated it or broke it's neck. I'm hoping it's the latter, being quick.
  
• That same year, while getting ready for school, we got a phone call and learnt that my uncle, Jeffery, died in a car accident. My sis and I went to school anyway but were picked up from school & brought to the void deck where they held the funeral wake. I can't remember the last thing I said to him but I do remember the last thing he asked me to do was squeeze his hand. He was testing how strong my arms were. I didn't cry over his death like my mom, aunts and uncles were. Not the very first time I saw the casket being brought in, nor the first time I saw him lying in the coffin, oddly, smiling. I cried on the 3rd day, when it was a competition day for me. I gave up the competition, I guess I stopped pushing myself towards the competition and finally just let go. Maybe it was also shock.
• Two years later, although I didn't know the boy, I saw him get knocked by a car. The force of the accident caused him to fly into the air and do a summersault. I guessed he probably died. It doesn't bother me if he died, I guess, cos of the fact that I didn't know him. But it was a first hand view of what happens when a person is hit by a car. Guess it sparked my interest into gore.
  
• 2nd year of college saw the passing of my grandmother, Patricia, after a week in hospital, in a coma after a stroke and complcations from goodness knows what. I don't want to bother with what killed her, she's dead. The week, which coincided with my exam week, saw me studying in the lounge, taking turns with family members to visit her once in a while. With the loss of her body functions, she would soil herself unknowingly and they would spray this air freshener to hide the smell. This got to me in the end as I totally disliked that smell when someone used, so much so I wanted to throw the whole can away. The last thing I got her? A bowl of salad without a dressing. Do I regret that? Yes and no on the dressing. She was on a restricted diet and wanted a fruit or salad. So I got her a salad and since they only had mayo-based dressing I didn't get any. But as she ate it, she told me "This would be better with a little bit of lemon juice or vinegar." How stupid of me not to think that she could have that for dressing. Do I regret that? I honestly can't tell. She died on the eve of the day I planned to go to Tioman. I slept through the boat ride there, didn't have fun the 2 days there, and just had too much thoughts in the boat ride back. I only broke down on the very last day, when we were following behind the casket.
  
• Next was my uncle, Leonard, my dad's bro. He wasn't very close but I liked him just as much. He was a big jolly guy with a good appetite for good food. One of the people who inspire me, who I sometimes aspire to be career-wise. Thinking now, I can sometimes be a little like him when it comes to keeping to myself, but he was much more quiet than me, or maybe my parents are proud to tell the world about my sis and I. Only until weeks before his death did my family find out that his daughter actually got married and already had a daughter, who by then was 7. Then one night while wondering how he was, we get a call and we made our way to his home. He was layed on his bed, wrapped in a white cloth facing the east. He was given Muslim rights. They showed my dad his face and all I saw was my late grandfather, whom I only remember from photos. That fact even my dad and cousin Andy agreed on. He passed away because of a brain tumour. The thing I didn't like most was the way they treated my dad just because he wasn't Muslim. That aside, I rather miss him, although I would've liked to get to know him better. But because I didn't know him that well, I guess I didn't really cry. I was sad, but I didn't cry. I thought then my waterworks were immune to family deaths.
• That was until my first dog, Daisy, died. Felt like your own family died. None of us absorbed the fact till she was sent to be cremated. I cried the next day on my way to work. The cab driver must have thought that I was a nutcase. Fine one minute and crying like my family died the next. If he knew he might have brought me home instead of to work. But I got out, went to work and cried the whole of my break time. I was sobbing, tears running down my cheeks, just standing at the doorway staring into the sky, into empty space. I just became numb that day and the week after. She's still the one that bring tears to my eyes when a certain song comes on and the memory of her is brought up. Can't even talk about her with tears not welling up in our eyes. Thing is, there's nothing to regret. I'm happy she died in her sleep. But I guess it's the loss of companionship, the memories, the odd things she did that made us laugh/smile/love her so much that make us mourn her longer. Even with another dog, or actually two, they can't replace that loss. I dread the day I lose my next 2.
• The last funeral wake of a relative was for my grandaunt, Violet, my grandmother's 2nd sister. In between were the funerals for some of my grandmother's brothers. We weren't really close to her. In fact, we thought she was a lil loopy. But she was nice as a person, giving and sweet. She died in her sleep when her god-son, my uncle, was visiting from Perth. The whole time I guess he was running away from the wake and we were also spending time with him to help him not think too much about it. Finally on the last day, I tried not to cry, but when all the drama from my 1st grandaunt started, everyone just cried. Guess it's that memory of the pain that comes with losing someone u cared for and loved came flooding back to sympathise with my 1st grandaunt, more than to mourn the loss of my grandaunt Violet.
  
• In between there were the odd hamsters that died. Never cried, but I felt sad. They didn't live long enough to touch the heart. But now there's one that's on the edge and he's not letting go just yet. I just hope he dies in his sleep.
  

My grandfather,Leng Huat, before his stroke, was a man who had many wise sayings, wisecracks and the average amount of grandfather stories about the person he was talking to. Then came the shocking news that he had a stroke the day after my birthday party. Just the night before he had been laughing and drinking beer, enjoying memories with my dad and uncles. With the lack of functions in his jaw, among other parts of his body, he stopped telling stories for a while. Or maybe it was just that my grandmother would tell him what he wanted to know. Then when my grandmother passed on, he started asking about us, telling us jokes when he saw us whenever we were there for a visit/party. The grandfather I knew was back, minus the health. This went on for a while until just recently when he seemed to have deteriorated somehow. Like he lost his spirit, his will to live. Like he can't be bothered with himself and what the people around him think of him. He looks like he has a lot to ask, a lot to say. But it looks like he doesn't know where to start, or how to start. I don't know where or how to start either. I just wonder if he actually recognises us at all at the moment or has old age, the stroke, the lost of memory and senses taken over. If he has anything to tell/ask us. Something in which us young dumb ones won't find out till we reach his age, or will never find out before we die ourselves? Or just a joke I've never heard before? Would I regret not knowing if I didn't find out? I know, at least, what he wants done with his ashes.

"I want my ashes to be scattered into the sea..... so my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren can grow fat on the fish that feed on it."

Do I regret doing or not doing anything in my past? Yes I have but then I have to let it all go. It's all in the PAST and I guess it should be left there. If I changed what I did, I wouldn't have met the people I know today and I might actually have ended up in a mental institute. What I guess I feel was that I would have liked to have known some people better before they left.

1. My Grandfather, Anthony
2. My Uncle, Leonard

So now all I can do is find out about them from people I don't know much about either.

1. My Grandmother, Joan
2. My Cousins, Effandy & Anita
3. My Aunt, Iza

As well as get to know them and hopefully keep closely in touch. And there's a few more people I would still have to work on

1. My Grandfather, Wilfred
2. My Friends

I hope I don't take too much of ur time or attention that others might be offended.

Depression & Realisation

I've got nothing better to do, well, other than look for a job but I just realised I'm sick of all the bullshit, politics, backstabbing and competition for monetary gains. I think I'll just concentrate on getting my driving license that one "former Red King" has been encouraging me to. Yeah u know who u are.

Monetary gains, from the very beginning, wasn't my focus in the jobs I got. Yes it would be nice to earn more money but in the end, the jobs that offered more money were the ones that made me unhappy. Unhappiness leads to depression, which leads to me getting sick. I may not be clinically diagnosed as depressed but if u looked up depression or maybe try this lil test, u might realise something new. Well I knew I was depressed even before one of those posters or knowledge of the symptoms of depression even came into my hands/eyes. I also realised that stress and unhappiness are the biggest factors that play a part when it came to me getting all depressed. Y do I not look for help? Well

1. I can't be bothered. I'm lazy... yes I am
2. Would pills actually help?
3. Would someone telling me what I already know help?
4. I know how I want to lead my life.
5. I don't have enough money to spend on rich people. Rather do things which make me happy like take a holiday!!
6. I can achieve more things in the time I would have spent at the mental hospital talking to a bozo.
7. I'VE GOT WILLPOWER!!! Mwuahahahaha!!!

How did it first happen? Track back to sec 2 where we had to choose the classes we wanted to be streamed into for the final ride to the GCE O level examinations. First they give u a shitty choice of subjects that I know I'll never ever need in life when it came to the career I wanted. Who the hell needs to know how long the pendulum swings, or that pure sodium explodes when in water, or the whole A-maths text, when u want to become a chef or restauranteur? So I was rather sick of studying subjects that I knew would never matter in my choice to make money and survive in the world. Then I had to get my tonsils out or I might have suffocated cos they were too swollen. This was in August when I was in sec 3. So just after recovering from getting my tonsils removed , about 2 months had passed and I had to catch up in class. First, I felt like some alien coming back to class, looking at people who would stare at me blankly like it was our first day in a new class. Next was feeling like some lost sheep, not knowing where the class was, not knowing what the teacher was going on about with all the unknown terms. Then there was the teacher who was a bloody hypocrite, I hope she rests in peace now, who treated people, who didn't get her class, like dirt. Bad thing about the O level exams for express students was the fact that there wasn't enough time to cover everything in proper detail within normal school hours. So they didn't seem to have time to deal with me either. What did they do? Put us in an after-class study group where the top 1/2 taught the bottom 1/2 what they didn't understand. Problem is, the top half that coached me was trying hard herself to explain it to me in English. Goes to show how effective that was. What all that led to was me giving up on studying for a piece of paper that didn't seem useful, and still isn't, other than the fact it got me into another school the easier way.

Shatec was fun and I thoroughly enjoyed my time there although I was still depressed. It wasn't as bad as in secondary school, but it got worse when I had to go through my stupid hotel attachment. There they decided to hide me in the back-of-the-house and chuck me in the accounts dept due to the fact that I worked fast on computers and calculations. The air-con was sick and the whole cramped area gave me stiff shoulders and what other bodily pains u can find. When I was done with all that I basically crept into my hole and stayed there for a while before I started looking for a job.

Finally life picked up and I was happy and bouncing till I got my last job. It basically sucked the life out of me till the very last moment. I was sick on the day the asshole decided to tell me he's letting me go. Right after we settled that bit I was actually happy. Happy that I'm getting my life back! I didn't realise it till, a few minutes ago, I found my folder of all the cards I recieved from friends on different occasions of the year. Because of the job, there were cards that I did not send and almost forgot. I got to caught up, too busy with work to do what I find basic happiness in. If there wasn't that guiding light in the form of my colleague, or ex-colleague, I prolly would have lost the goal of my life cos of that job.

So now... while somewhat getting over the depressed bit, I'm focusing on what's important to me. Getting my driving license, reaching my goals... and ultimately being so happy inside it'll be shining out from my pores! Hahahahaha!!!!

Thank goodness for good friends, especially ones that go through almost the same thing or worse, and the kind that stay up with u all night to listen to all the bullcrap u have. U're still loved and appreciated by someone and even if I don't know where u are, know that I hope u're safe and well.

Good Advice From Horoscopes

"Cook up something delicious, then invite a few friends over to help you eat it. Yum!"

So I was thinking....

Warm risoni pasta salad
Roasted pork
Apple Pie

Anyone coming?

Hehehehe

Let Me B A Poser 4 A While

Yeah this is my girl doin her thang... Mwuahahahaha...



ok.. I like Missy E.. so?

I've got a cute face
Chubby waist
Thick legs n shape
Rump shakin both wayz
Make u do a double take ....

Yeeee... Hahahaha

Don't Bother Me When U're Drunk

Now if u're out in the club and u're high on alcohol, with just an inkling of what's going on around u, stay the hell away from me unless u want to be the butt of all my jokes, as well and those of my friends. Do not try to get comfy next to me the minute my friends have gone to the toilet or to get a drink, u won't have enough time to finish what u wanted to accomplish before they would get back. One thing u should never EVER do to anyone is look down on them or act like u are... ie. Looking at them and shaking ur head. That is so bloody rude. So since u've been rude, it's time for me to do he same to u.
If ever u happen to have so much intestinal fortitude as to do the above-mentioned no-nos please at least have the decency to speak properly and not slur. Plus say it out loud cos it's a bloody club and I can't hear shit if u decide to whisper into my ear to save what's left of ur pride. If u do not have an American accent, don't try to imitate.

1. It doesn't impress me, more like turn me off.
2. U'll sound stupid.
3. U can't pronounce properly, givng u the problem of repeating urself.
4. By repeating urself, any chance of sounding suave will just die the 2nd time ard.

Next move u make should be to leave even if u haven't accomplished what u intended to do when u see my friends coming back. Don't be surprised and try to act cool when they stare at u with their "who the bloody hell is this joker talking to u?" face.

1. I don't know u, and they don't either.
2. I don't wanna know u and neither do they.
3. I won't introduce u cos u're a bloody "Laahhooo Seeehuuuurrr!"
4. U didn't care to introduce urself in the first place dumbnut.

If it's ur first time in the club, don't think u're cool just cos u seem like u dress the part. U're still a wannabe and we can spot u before u enter the door. Next mistake is to think u're the phunk master and that u know how to read people by the fact that they're on or off the dancefloor. I might not be up there but it does not mean that

1. I'm not having fun.
2. I'm tense.
3. I'm not into the music.
4. I'm there for the first time.
5. I need arseholes like u to tell me point 1 to 4.

If I don't like the club, I won't be there in the first place. If I'm tense, it's cos I haven't had enough alcohol to deal with dumb arses like u. If I'm not into the music, it's a lie to get u off my back. If u think I'm there for the first time, then u better not try to get me on the dancefloor cos I'll be dancing circles around u that u'll get dizzy! If u think u're the phunk master then try impressing me with whateva moves u have. Since u don't wanna get up on the dancefloor, don't try to be Mr. Cheerleader and encourage people to get up there. Take up the challenge u set upon ur victim then they might think better of ur lame-ass excuse of a pick-up. And once u're sober, read point 5.
Finally, don't try to come back a 2nd time, when my friends leave again, to redeem urself. I think the best think u can do is wrap urself in toilet roll or get out of the club and home into ur shell.
Do ur ears tingle drunk Chigger??