Monetary gains, from the very beginning, wasn't my focus in the jobs I got. Yes it would be nice to earn more money but in the end, the jobs that offered more money were the ones that made me unhappy. Unhappiness leads to depression, which leads to me getting sick. I may not be clinically diagnosed as depressed but if u looked up depression or maybe try this lil test, u might realise something new. Well I knew I was depressed even before one of those posters or knowledge of the symptoms of depression even came into my hands/eyes. I also realised that stress and unhappiness are the biggest factors that play a part when it came to me getting all depressed. Y do I not look for help? Well
1. I can't be bothered. I'm lazy... yes I am
2. Would pills actually help?
3. Would someone telling me what I already know help?
4. I know how I want to lead my life.
5. I don't have enough money to spend on rich people. Rather do things which make me happy like take a holiday!!
6. I can achieve more things in the time I would have spent at the mental hospital talking to a bozo.
7. I'VE GOT WILLPOWER!!! Mwuahahahaha!!!
How did it first happen? Track back to sec 2 where we had to choose the classes we wanted to be streamed into for the final ride to the GCE O level examinations. First they give u a shitty choice of subjects that I know I'll never ever need in life when it came to the career I wanted. Who the hell needs to know how long the pendulum swings, or that pure sodium explodes when in water, or the whole A-maths text, when u want to become a chef or restauranteur? So I was rather sick of studying subjects that I knew would never matter in my choice to make money and survive in the world. Then I had to get my tonsils out or I might have suffocated cos they were too swollen. This was in August when I was in sec 3. So just after recovering from getting my tonsils removed , about 2 months had passed and I had to catch up in class. First, I felt like some alien coming back to class, looking at people who would stare at me blankly like it was our first day in a new class. Next was feeling like some lost sheep, not knowing where the class was, not knowing what the teacher was going on about with all the unknown terms. Then there was the teacher who was a bloody hypocrite, I hope she rests in peace now, who treated people, who didn't get her class, like dirt. Bad thing about the O level exams for express students was the fact that there wasn't enough time to cover everything in proper detail within normal school hours. So they didn't seem to have time to deal with me either. What did they do? Put us in an after-class study group where the top 1/2 taught the bottom 1/2 what they didn't understand. Problem is, the top half that coached me was trying hard herself to explain it to me in English. Goes to show how effective that was. What all that led to was me giving up on studying for a piece of paper that didn't seem useful, and still isn't, other than the fact it got me into another school the easier way.
Shatec was fun and I thoroughly enjoyed my time there although I was still depressed. It wasn't as bad as in secondary school, but it got worse when I had to go through my stupid hotel attachment. There they decided to hide me in the back-of-the-house and chuck me in the accounts dept due to the fact that I worked fast on computers and calculations. The air-con was sick and the whole cramped area gave me stiff shoulders and what other bodily pains u can find. When I was done with all that I basically crept into my hole and stayed there for a while before I started looking for a job.
Finally life picked up and I was happy and bouncing till I got my last job. It basically sucked the life out of me till the very last moment. I was sick on the day the asshole decided to tell me he's letting me go. Right after we settled that bit I was actually happy. Happy that I'm getting my life back! I didn't realise it till, a few minutes ago, I found my folder of all the cards I recieved from friends on different occasions of the year. Because of the job, there were cards that I did not send and almost forgot. I got to caught up, too busy with work to do what I find basic happiness in. If there wasn't that guiding light in the form of my colleague, or ex-colleague, I prolly would have lost the goal of my life cos of that job.
So now... while somewhat getting over the depressed bit, I'm focusing on what's important to me. Getting my driving license, reaching my goals... and ultimately being so happy inside it'll be shining out from my pores! Hahahahaha!!!!
Thank goodness for good friends, especially ones that go through almost the same thing or worse, and the kind that stay up with u all night to listen to all the bullcrap u have. U're still loved and appreciated by someone and even if I don't know where u are, know that I hope u're safe and well.
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