She’s Out Of My Life

Once in a while, I come across an article such as this and it brings back memories of a person I would rather say I only have good memories of. However, actions and choices have decided that the final memory would be of her turning her back to me. An action done with such dramatical emphasis that another colleague could notice, and I still do not understand the point of it.

Almost everyone who knows us wonders what happened, and sometimes I wonder myself. I can only tell my side of the story and speculate on her actions. I dare say only one other person would know all the drama as she got the blow by blow reports when the mini drama series happened. Then possibly another 7 that know why the friendship ended.

When I looked back on the "reports" I gave to another friend while the drama queen was having hissy fits, they were probably the little cracks that lead to the big break. However, after a little sharing session at work, it became clear that I had only half of the iceberg. Seems that for years, she was hiding her issues behind her title and privileges. Then with a new job and position, with the lack of opportunity to pull off the tricks she did while running her own show, the cracks started showing. Throwing hissy fits at a very specific time of the month, with nothing to do with PMS. Then finally, the pressure got too much and apparently her mind blew up.

I have always wondered why her attitude changed. If it was the people she now had in her life, her new job position, her slight demotion in job position, the lust for power or some other luxury, or just ego. There was a time when we would just tell each other about anything, even try to figure out other friends by talking about them to each other. She got my back, I got hers.

Then I saw the quote below and realised perhaps the relationship was a little dysfunctional on her end. Also realising that perhaps telling her that I used up my savings for my grandfather’s funeral trip might have been the trigger that set it all off. 

“A healthy relationship is one where two people feel fulfilled by their individual lives and let that joy and sense of fullness spill into their relationship. They each bring something to the table and can comfortably give and receive. A dysfunctional relationship is when one or both people believes the other person can “give them” something or that there’s something to “get” from the other person.”

Strangely enough, I was not sad, but slightly amused at the drama. I was disappointed and frustrated, but her actions took care of making us happy to have her leave. What I cannot believe is her gall at still being friends with my mom, but my mom has her own agenda. 

The Exhausted Social Introvert

Most people often ask if you're an introvert or extrovert, and there are some who know me as the introvert, but at work, most people think I'm an extrovert. It's only after reading this article that I realise that I'm actually right in the middle. 

I read this a while back and wanted to blog on this but just didn't find the time. It was only because of a few recent events that got me to the blog and clicking on the article again. After what has been happening recently, the article just helps figure out the reason why I probably feel like just hiding in a cave. 

Point #9 sums up what has probably been getting me down:"People that are involved in a lot of drama are completely out of your interest range. You don’t enjoy talking negatively about others and you’d rather avoid people who do."

Lately, there just has been too much drama and badmouthing from certain people. It all feels as though there is also some motive behind all this drama and negativity - to sway certain decisions, to try to gain opportunities for themselves. 

Point #1 and #4 adds to why I have been bored:"You can hold a conversation for the most part, but small talk doesn’t keep your brain engaged in the conversation.""small talk is not important to us. It makes us more uncomfortable, especially when the conversation goes nowhere"

The worst part of the drama is that it is unnecessary, not wanted and not understandable as well. My brain has gone to the point where it has decided to shut down whenever the drama starts and I think I just zone out while everything is playing out. 

Point #3 then explains exactly why I feel like hiding in a cave:"If you spend too much time around people you are dying to get back to the comfort of your own home."

Basically, I need my "me" time. That when I have a day to myself, I should get to decide how I want to spend it. So for the next few weeks, there will be a lot of rejections and I honestly would not care what or how people feel, as in the end, I have to save my own sanity first. 

Now to get a my old sim card activated. 

Just A Little Off The Top Please....

Well not really.

After getting my head shaved the last time, the hairstylist was confident I could wear a short hairstyle as well. So I had been contemplating getting a short hairstyle for a few months and found a few photos online that I was interested in.  Got a second opinion from Adi, who saw this picture and said get that!

So managed to book an appointment yesterday, got in, showed Oscar the picture and got my hair shaved off. I think at one point he actually used the same shaver I use on Barkley for my sideburns.

Anyway, I think he did a really good job, and more importantly, as fast one. Apparently, no one, other than whoever I showed the first picture to knew what I was going for, so I looked so different that my mom couldn't even recognise me at Burger King.

Dad always had his "what stupid hairstyle is that?" comment, but then he doesn't have enough on his head to do anything stylish.

My sis thinks I might end up looking like a lesbian.

But most importantly is that my mind is much cooler, which I think is why I probably can sleep well tonight.

Back To The Old Drawing Block

Taking inspiration from a few cooking shows and Oprah Winfrey about vision boards, I thought about getting the ideas in my head onto paper. There are times when you try to explain what you plan to do with ingredients but others can not understand or visualise your idea. This would be a problem when you have people who would help or join in on projects. I was trying to find my old sketch book to get an idea out of my head, but it has gone missing since the move. Good thing for me is that Giant had a pack of drawing blocks on sale. So now I just have to find the box of coloured pencils.

Caveman Tools

After all the walking on Thursday, and the uncomfortably small chair I had to sit on on Friday, my back and legs were hurting. I needed some love on my feet and I managed to find one of my best tools to get all the knots out. This is one of the many odd shaped stones in my collection that I use for  getting rid of odd knots in my feet or my butt. It might be a little caveman to some, but when something works good at getting rid of pain, it should not matter. What is the use of having a sleek-looking, vibrating massager when it just tickles rather than relaxes your muscles. My stone collection can not only get right to the point, they can be heated, and there is no need for batteries. 

Sometimes the most bassl things are still the best. 

Pretzels For Mom

As mentioned, mom enjoys a good pretzel, and after finishing the last batch, we decided to try a few variations with some additional ingredients, as well as try our hand at getting them in the typical pretzel twist. We started out with making olive pretzels, then stuffing them with some smoked salmon. Then it was pretzels stuffed with hot dog. Dad was happily scoring all of them and placing them on the tray. Soon, we filled up one tray before I can even start on the twists. So this is batch one, hot out of the oven. 

Test Kitchen 09

Mom decided to watch the whole recorded series of "Wok Stars" so she could delete it and get more space on the hard drive. After a few episodes, I found some interesting ideas from the contestants and decided to try something that was going on in my head. 

Inspiration hit when one guy made Kung Pao chicken, and one lady made shrimp paste chicken using hei ko instead of belacan. So somehow, I thought that making Kung Pao chicken using hey ko could possibly work. Somehow the flavours did blend well, but I think I have to change the order of cooking. It turned out a bit more watery than I wanted, and I think I needed more chilli. 

So this one is going back to the drawing board.

Finishing Touches

Today I finally found a recipe for the chocolate covering for the cake pop experiment and decided to give them a coating before they dry out too much. Also, the moulded cake has set enough to be handled a bit more roughly. I don't know why, but lately, I seem to be hitting some crap recipes online, and it happened with the chocolate. Somehow there was just too much chocolate and not enough butter for it to be runny enough to coat without getting it stuck in blobs. Ended up having to wing it with adding a little butter at a time until I got the consistency I needed. Finally, throw the moulded cake in, swirl around, tap off excess and let them harden in the cold wind coming through my kitchen. 

Oh yes, I got a natural cold kitchen right now!

Cutting My Own Hair

I've grown up never having step foot in a barber or salon to get my hair done as my mom has always been my hairdresser. I've got my hair wash, cut and permed by her, and soon she taught me how to help her with perming her hair. I realised I'm crap at curling bunches of hair around the perming sticks and disliked the smell of perming solution.

Then finally mom got too tired of perming her hair and decided she just wanted to get it cut, but needed help with cutting the back as it's the hardest to get straight on your own. So I started to get used to cutting her hair, and 2 weeks back, she asked me to give her a haircut. I was rather sick of her usual layered look and decided to give her a cut with no proper look in mind. I just knew I wanted it no too short, yet short enough that all she had to do was run her hands through and not look crazy. More importantly, she could do without all the stupid little clips she used to hold up errant locks.

I then got a bit frustrated with my long hair and decided to get it cut. However, I knew I didn't want the bob I'm always sporting, and couldn't really tell what I wanted. So mom told me to go try cutting my own hair and see what came out of it. I decided today that I would get down to it and just went into the bathroom, scissors in hand, and chopped a load off. Finally, I managed to get something I was alright with just as my arm was getting too tired and my aim was getting crap.

So my first attempt, which needs a second trimming, was rather good if I should say so myself.

Test Kitchen 04

Mom bought some beef knuckle the other day when a craving hit and realised that it was a very odd cut with some that were nice and tender, while other bits were really very tough. So I told her we should use it for a stew or curry and decided to get dad to find a beef curry recipe to try out.

He was looking through some books and I didn't realise that he didn't find one he liked until I saw my sister commenting on something he posted on Facebook. Apparently he found it on his phone and instead of bookmarking it, he apparently posted the recipe he wanted to try. So since he already got a recipe and we had all the ingredients at home, it was time to make some Beef Sukka.

Well it's basically half done right now as it needs to boil down and dry up, but it will probably taste better the next day like most curries do anyway.

Test Kitchen 03

After getting the cookie scoop, along with the rest of Bake It Yourself, I decided to try making cupcakes to use up a Nutella buttercream I made earlier when testing out the Nutella dream cookies. Also to top them off with some moulded sugar decorations.

I looked for a recipe which would use coconut flour so it would be easier on my blood sugar levels and managed to find one that was diabetic-friendly. Furthermore, I had a sugar-free maple syrup! So I went off baking the cupcakes, which were true to their name - fluffy! Only thing was that the sugar-free syrup seem to have lost all trace of sweetness and I ended up having fluffy, dark chocolate cupcakes. Great for my pairing with the Nutella buttercream and sugar decoration I guess.

Today, I got Adi over to mould the decoration and help with frosting the cupcakes, as well as make some cake pops. The cake pops ended up a bit too soft and needed a bit more time in the fridge, so we managed to only get weirdly frosted square cupcakes with tiny baking-themed sugar decor.

Test Kitchen 02

My aunt have been bugging us to make tiramisu as she wanted to know how much it would cost, and how much work it would require. After buying the ingredients about a week ago, we finally set a date and time and got down to layering the dessert this afternoon. Before this, she also mentioned that someone made a caramel banana dessert she wanted to try and I suggested we make it different and with localised flavours.

We started with making the tiramisu, and after all the coffee extraction, egg beating and layering, we got the dessert in the fridge within an hour. We then started on the caramel banana dessert using a gula melaka caramel, and coconut cream. It was relatively easy, just biscuit crumbs and butter, topped with caramel bananas, and topped that with a layer of whipped coconut cream. Done within another hour. We had a bit more biscuit base left and decided to finish up my lemon curd from my last experiment. So last dessert was just as easy, layer of biscuit, lemon curd and green-tinted, whipped coconut cream with toasted coconut for a little pizazz!

3 hours, 3 desserts!

Test Kitchen

Once in a while, the moods and ideas just gel together and I would end up getting a few recipes tested out in the kitchen. Once in a while I'm joined by Adi. Once in a while they fail, and once in a while the results are awesome.

So this weekend, I was actually craving something like a lemon meringue tart, just without the meringue. Yet, I didn't want something gummy like a lemon bar. Plus, I was too lazy to go all the way out just looking for a lemon tart, and I couldn't seem to find any everywhere I went. Since I planned to make Nutella tarts to help finish the bottle Adi opened a while back, I decided to try making lemon tarts. The idea to make Nutella tarts also came from the idea someone posted about Nutella Day, with a recipe for Nutella Dream Cookies, which we decided to try as well.

Mom also asked to try out a chilli crab recipe my aunt, Jeannie, mentioned a few days before. That led to us getting a few ingredients from Jurong Point, that led us to a Philips fair selling the air fryer my cousin wanted, which saw us buying a set for him, and then sending it to their house in Teck Whye Lane. On the way, I suggested picking a few belimbing, and so dad went hunting while mom and I continued on with the delivery. That's when the cooking list increased with a few more ideas to try.

In the end, within the 2 days, mom, Adi and I made Nutella Dream Cookies, Nutella Tart, Lemon Tart, Chilli Crab, Whole Apple Pies, Belimbing Chutney, Belimbing Pickles and even Candied Belimbing. PHEW!

Bubble Bubble Toil And Trouble

I love experimenting with recipes and the best kind of challenges for the mind is to try to recreate a dish I tried, in my own kitchen. This time it was an old cucumber soup that I had from mom's favourite soup stall. Although it's easier to just head down to the stall and get a soup fix, sometimes that shop just sells out too quickly. So replicating a dish would be one way to ensure that a craving could be satisfied, and making it for the whole family to enjoy is a bonus. Sharing is caring. 

Crazy Nonyas

I woke up yesterday with the smells of fried tofu skin and fermented bean curd wafting into my room, knowing it was Chap Chye bubbling over the fire. Mom decided to make it for dinner and paired it with some Ayam Buah Keluak. Since she packed up the leftover gravy and black nuts in the freezer, that dish just needed a bit of meat added and heated up. I decided I wanted to try a new dish and had always wanted to make Babi Cincalok. Looked up the recipe on the internet and found a simple one that sounded good in my head. Thus I had the basic stuff the recipe called for and sort of winged it with the flavor. The dish turned out rather interesting with the nice blend of sweetness, saltiness, tartness and spice. Hopefully I'll be able to write the recipe down. Well with most Peranakan dishes, they are usually best eaten on the 2nd day after it has been warmed up a few times so that everything marries and get nice and tender. So today's lunch was just the same feast for 3.

Positive Versus Negative Shows

After my recent trip to Australia, I came back to a load of television shows mom had recorded over the six weeks.

There was a repeat season of CSI, the last few episodes of Survivor, 6 episodes of Mentalist, CSI: Miami, America's Next Top Model (ANTM), and also the start of some singing competition called The Final One. 

While in Australia, I had my fair share of shows that I caught other than having a Game of Thrones marathon. Started watching Arrow and Elementary, which I hope would be played on local free-to-air channels. Not forgetting the indulgence of Bondi Vet and Bondi Rescue. There was also a few times when I had a giggle with Judge Judy. 

As shown above, the list of shows I've been watching, with the shows I've yet to complete when I came back was quite extensive. So when my mom asked what I'd like to watch, I said reality shows were definitely not on the list. Especially since I already caught the results of Survivor. 

I realised that it's not the whole show I didn't like, but the stupid and irritating bickering that the contestants usually have on the show. So the arguments and nonsense the contestants come up with are usually the ones that get the ratings, but I don't want to torture my mind with that kind of negative crap. 

The one good function about having a recorded show is the fast forward button. I'd use it just to get to the good parts like the challenges and tribal council on Survivor, judging panel on ANTM, who did the worst job and gets kicked off The Block. But mom likes to watch the whole show and wonders how I can be blogging or playing games while the show is on. Rather easy when only 10 - 20 minutes of an hour-long show is actually fun to watch. 

Then I wonder, why is it I can watch shows like Judge Judy? Firstly, I don't actually watch it, but I listen in while doing something else. However, it's her sharp tongue and her no-nonsense approach that makes the show. Most people (most, but not all) who go on the show can be real idiots, but Judge Judy would never hesitate to put them in place or slap some sense (if she's lucky) into them. I guess I like it because it seems as though she's ridding the US of all these fools. 

Then came the point Adi said about watching Bondi Vet, and that I don't mind the yapping because Dr Chris Brown is handsome. I won't deny he is, and I bet he doesn't either.

However, compared to shows like Survivor, Judge Judy and ANTM, there are no mindless arguments in Bondi Vet. It's a show about vets helping animals, and the only stupid thing is when an animal dies due to a lack of a cure. 

The same goes for Bondi Rescue, Animal Rescue, Surf Patrol, and Piha Rescue. The shows are centred around getting a positive outcome at the end of the day.

Positivity that I gladly welcome every week 

Accepting Who You Are

This topic came about while YC was trying to explain to me what the meaning of a certain Cantonese song was about. Basically the song's message was basically to accept the person your born to be.

It brought back a question that was asked to me - "Have I ever made an effort to slim down?". Usually my immediate answer would be no, and actually it's rather true as I sort of accepted my size after a while. But rather than just letting go and eating every damn thing in sight, mom did help bring me up with good eating habits which helped a lot when I had to change my eating habits again after finding out I had diabetes. Anyway, I never really tried losing weight, I just tried no to gain any more, and that helped. Then I don't know how or why, but I shed some bit of me somehow in size, and remained the same weight. So for those who knew me way back, they all wondered how I did it, and so do I really.

What I don't get is people who can't accept the fact that I've accepted myself as such. Seriously it's not easy growing up being one of the biggest people in class, yet I think over the years, the people that have surrounded me have helped me realise that being big isn't always a bad thing. It does help your self esteem when you're regarded as a safety net, to ward off bullies. I never thought of being a bully, and I ended up scaring the bullies away. So there was a good side after all. That's where I found out that it's really not the size that matters but your personality and character. And it was something that was reinforced thoughout the years, which definitely help build up to make me who I am.

Another thing I learnt was that if they can't be bothered to learn about you, their opinions don't matter. For the times when I was rather down in school, I got a call from a classmate, possibly having good intentions, but what she said ended up pissing me off as she didn't know what I was going through. If you called to see how I am and really tried to understand what I was going through, I might have been more open to what you wanted to say. But to call and lecture me on what is right and wrong regarding my absence was just asking me to dislike you more.

Thinking back to the question about losing weight, I was asked why I didn't want to after answering no. At first my answer was just a shrug, and that "I'm used to it". I realised that it's not because I'm used to it, or that I can't be bothered. The actual answer is because I've already accepted myself for who I am, and if you don't like who I am, you can really kiss my big arse for all I care.

Someone Like You

"I heard that you've settled down, that you've found a girl and you're married now...."

That line alone from the song reminds me of you but it's never good when I get reminded of all the good times we still could have had if you were just honest. Still don't understand what went on in that head of yours, to decide to lie about her and what eventually would take place, but I think you were in your own fantasy world. Seriously, the memory of the stories you came up with - my life being in danger, having 2 passports, going on top secret missions - just goes to show how much of a nut case you became trying to keep things secret.

"You lost the love I loved the most"
"It took so long just to feel alright...'cos you broke all your promises"

Guess it was only hard at first because I still loved you as one of my best friends, but as time went by, I stopped missing you and started missing the things we did. I still miss the times just having someone to call and chat when I was down, who would meet me at the Palm and just laugh the night away under the stars without a care in the world what time it was. It still hurts whenever I drive past that spot.

"Nevermind I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you, too"

I know I'll never find someone like you, and I don't think I really would want to find another nut case like you. But someone to share that same kind of lighthearted, easygoing fun we had..... That I would love to find again.

I think I'm at the point I'm ready to meet you face to face and thank you for opening my eyes, and for making me much more wary of people like you.

I wish you well and hope you have a good life in whichever path you take.

Day 17 - Someone From Your Childhood

This one I'll dedicate to the person who help me learn, from a very young age, not to trust others too easily. He was one of the people in the group that hung out together in Margaret Drive, where my grandparents used to live. For some reason the two oldest girls of the group didn't really like him, and all the while I thought it was because he was scruffy and sometimes a bit stinky.

Anyway, I found out soon enough why they didn't like him and it was probably because they couldn't trust him. Seems like anything you told him was told to his dad, who seem to want to get involved with everyone's business. So soon enough, it was all strictly games with him, and he was excluded in our 'meetings' or and 'secret plans' we had.

I'm glad he was in my life. 

Day 12 - The Person You Hate Most/Caused You A Lot Of Pain

Is the same person I was blogging to when I wrote this post. He was someone I knew from work, that became a really great friend, and then he just changed till even his parents couldn't recognise the person he was any more.

I still love the things we did, and the good times we shared. But I guess that's never ever going to happen again - at least not with him.

Now every time I hear these lyrics, it just reminds me of the good times:

"Does he watch your favorite movies

Does he hold you when you cry

Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts

When you've seen it a million times

Does he to sing all your music

While you dance to purple rain

Does he do all these things like I used to

Can you promise me if this one's right

Don't throw it all away

Can you do all these things

Will you do all these things

 like we used to"